Love Yours
February 2023:
Come February we can’t help but notice the sea of red and pink in the store front windows throughout our environment. This year I actually noticed it start to trickle in as early as New Year’s Eve. We’re so accustomed to going along with tradition that if we asked ourselves, would we really even know what we’re celebrating??
Love is an incredibly subjective concept, making it so complex.
It is defined differently by different people and different cultures. Yet we still find the universal concept of love to be the main theme in so much of what surrounds us on a daily basis. From movies and TV shows to the songs we blast when we are freshly in a relationship with happy hormones surging. So much of what we “consume” revolves around love. You’d think we would have mastered it by now. And yet sadly divorce rates still manage to remain stable throughout the United States.
February 2023
Is it that we lack emotional intelligence as a species? What are we doing wrong to contribute to the discrepancy?
We must first recognize the difference between true love and romanticized love. I am admittedly the biggest fan of Disney and happily ever afters but after years of trying to recreate the fantasy relationship I grew up wishing on a star and not living up to the promised outcome, I realized I had to go back and revisit the foundation.
Love as we know it, the sweet frosting sitting right at the surface of a relationship is what we like to focus on. We glamorize how good it feels (and looks!) It isn’t until we get down to the thicker, more dense cake of the relationship when we find ourselves resisting the effort it might take to cut through some of the differences we find between each other.
A majority of relationships last for the duration of that sweet frosting stage. It’s a language we all know well and comes very second nature to us. But when the intricacies of human nature, culture, or past traumas begin to emerge that’s when the twinkle of the honeymoon phase begins to dissipate.
In order to establish a strong foundation for a long lasting partnership you must first be honest about what you want to get out of a relationship.
Deception is one of the greatest indicators contributing to the downfall of a relationship. Putting on the rose colored glasses in order to see the other person as the fantasy created in your mind’s eye as opposed to the frog that sits before you will only leave you disappointedly a frog’s significant other at the end of the day.
Once establishing whether you want a short or long term, serious, semi serious or casual relationship then we get to the cake of the matter: communication.
Even if we are from the same culture, same town, and speak the same language we may be missing on the most crucial aspect contributing to successful relationships. Being emotionally perceptive to (your needs first!) then that of your significant other will prove to dive into a deeper level of connection. The most important piece of advice I can provide you is:
Do not assume you share the same emotional/love language as the person you are in a partnership with.
It doesn’t matter how similar you are, you both may still interpret and express love in different ways and that assumption will cause you to miss the mark every time and lead to miscommunication and in turn arguments.
By far the biggest game changer for me in all relationships, romantic, platonic and professional was taking the love language quiz as based on the philosophy of Gary Chapman in The 5 Love Languages. I was surprised at my own results assuming I knew my love language very well. This helped me to recognize why at times I didn’t feel understood or validated when those particular needs weren’t met. Most importantly I learned that despite now knowing my true love language I would not assume that whoever I was communicating with shared the same language as me. This is by far the greatest downfall in relationships, assumption. More specifically assuming that the other person will be just as satisfied by the same love standards that fulfill you. Once you become familiar with your love language as well as all the categories of love languages you will be that much more likely to be able to communicate and properly validate the other person’s needs leading to a greater chance of connection and happiness.
If you find yourself struggling in relationships and have yet to pick up this book, I strongly encourage you to do so. I found it to be very impactful in my own life and continue to find it effective amongst patients to whom I recommend it to with relationship concerns. It’s a great starting point when you find yourself constantly repeating the same sugar high and inevitably crashing.
In the end I do genuinely believe that OUR versions of happily ever after can be successfully achieved but we must first recognize love is not one size fits all. Get to know your love language so that you can share with others how to meet your needs. Likewise customizing your relationships based on their language and their needs. Give it a try and see if you notice a difference
Click here to find the quiz and more information on the Five Love Languages.
