Shoot me down but I won’t fall
March 2023:
Just recently I was approached by two different colleagues within a few days of each other who commented about me being confident. I laughed to myself on the inside because this wasn’t always the case. I would have never imagined I’d ever get this feed back from anyone let alone fellow female colleagues.
Confidence is still such a foreign concept to me and I’ve only recently developed a stronger understanding of it.
I was a painfully shy child and for years I’d cry over the slightest perceived criticisms. I am a recovering perfectionist and still to this day struggle with old unattainable expectations that are guaranteed to fail. This cycle of reaching for the unachievable and failing was a main contributor to the perfectionism. The harder you fall the higher the next goal needs to be set in order to compensate for the previous loss… it’s an incredibly self deprecating way of life.
So how was I able to push past it??
I had to dig deep in search of the root of perfectionism. The false belief at the core of my perfectionism as well as that of a lot of perfectionists is not feeling good enough.
Strong enough.
Smart enough.
Pretty enough.
It was terribly painful to come to this realization about myself. Once I realized how much this one false belief contributed to so many of my bad habits I couldn’t un-see it. There was no turning back. I chose to face it head on in hopes that once extinguished the bad habits would go along with it.
It’s been about 11 years since I made this vow to myself.
After years of therapy, journaling, coaching, shadow work and so many other forms of healing I can say wholeheartedly that I am living in a much stronger state of confidence because the self doubt began with me. My false beliefs. My internal gaslighting. And most impactful of all the harsh internal dialogue. Switching the internal dialogue from a ringleader to a cheerleader, although it might sound silly, was a huge contributor to fluctuations in my daily mood and over all feelings toward myself.
So I encourage you to have some alone time and ask yourself about your self talk, false beliefs and other factors contributing to a skewed perspective of yourself. It’s like throwing water on a mirror and believing you’re seeing the true version of yourself.
It’s time to wipe the surface clean and reveal the beauty underneath waiting for you to claim it.
Take it from someone who at one point in life almost lost hope. I almost surrendered to the anxiety and depression that comes with perfectionism. It was by far one of the hardest battles I’ve ever had to fight but know that it was by far the most worthwhile because I got my life back….and so can you.
